When I look at the newspaper, we read that lesbians say they do not need a man to be a father. They think they can do it and even do a good job. This being said I often wonder if I had a dad, would I be the same person as I now am. I think its about time you heard what happened when I was 9.
I did not have a dad. I dont have a clue why he was not in my life. My mom never talked about it. I lived alone with her. We were well off as her parents were very rich. I could never have been luckier for having her as my mom. She was and is the best mom a child could have. She spent time with me, and helped and advised me when I needed it. I was never in doubt that my mother loved me.
I had an aunt. She was just as rich as we were, but she had a job. She was a journalist and her dream was to find the next scandal that would be as big as Watergate. She was always busy and spoke quite fast. She always wore these fancy business clothes. She really did not like children, but was nice with me. We never talked about my interests, but I loved listening to her stories and plans on who she was trying to bring down. I could listen to her for hours!
As for me, I was an ordinary boy. I went to a private boys school. Some boys were snobs, but I had lots of friends. The school had a sailor boy uniform and the school had strict rules. I was often in trouble because they said I had hair that was like the Cole twins, whoever they are. The headmaster always said to cut my hair. Other boys said it was very 90s looking. I didnt care. I did not want grandfather hair. I had friends and I was liked. What more could I ask for?
It all happened one day when my mom was helping me with homework and aunty came in with a briefcase. She told us to stop what we were doing as she needed to show us something. She turned on a DVD. It was some pageant where girls about my age were dancing on the stage. They all wore strange outfits that had bright colours and either too frilly or showed lots of skin. Aunt kept on asking if we were watching and we answered we were. We did not know what the big deal was, just a bunch of children in a beauty contest. My aunt obviously was interested, as she kept on saying to look and pay attention.
Afterwards, she looked at us and said that these competitions are nothing but a show for paedophiles. Do you see the way those girls were dressed? They were dressed like whores. They were showing so much skin, that they may as well gone on stage naked. I wonder who organises these shows, and why parents agree to send the children there. The poor girls must be brainwashed and so sad. They are the same age as my nephew here. Someone must expose what happens at these shows. It has to be me. This is the big scoop I have been waiting for. It will be so big that will shake the media world. I will get the recognition I deserve!
Mom shrugged her shoulders and wished her the best of luck.
Aunty then told us this is why she needed to speak with us. She told me she could not do it alone. She needed me to help her. This made mom laugh and say that a boy would look strange at a pageant in the middle of a bunch of girls. I told mom that it was not funny. However aunty was serious and told us to pay attention. She said as she looked at me and holding my hand. I need my nephew to go undercover. Going undercover is fun. You get to pretend you are someone you are not. You have the hair and especially the face. Your body is perfect. With girl clothes on, people would think you are a girl. This is not an insult. It makes you special and able to go undercover work. I need you to go undercover as my daughter in one of these pageants. I know its a lot to ask, please help me!
I was in shock. She wanted me to dress up as a girl and help her at a pageant. I nearly had to laugh at the thought. The problem was that she was serious. What would the boys at school say if they ever found out? I looked at mom and then my aunt. My mom was white. Why did she not say no? Why did she even have to think about it? The more the seconds passed by, the more I started to shake.
Mom then started laughing and diplomatically told my aunt that she wished her the best of luck; however she would not agree that I would help. I could now relax and to look if there was any cake. My aunt accepted it as well and said she did not know what she was thinking. She told mom that she was sorry she suggested such a ridiculous thing. Mom told her ambition makes people do crazy things and they gave each other a hug.
We did not think about it again. We were sure aunty would find another crazy story to be interested in.
Mom had to go away for the winter mid-term break, so she asked my aunt to take care of me. At first, she said no but after she thought about it, she agreed to let me stay at her house for a week. Before I knew it, I packed my suitcase and was at my aunts house giving my mother a hug goodbye. She lived in in her parents old summer house, so I had to sleep in the bedroom mum and my aunt had when they were children. They were definitely treated like princesses, as the room was very pink, with a princess bed. On the walls it had posters of Disney princesses. There was a dollhouse and so many teddy bears and dolls. I knew it was only for a week, so I would not complain.
Later that night, we were watching a DVD. It was Cinderella. I was smiling thinking my aunt definitely loves Disney. She told me I was lucky to have a week off from school and advised I used it wisely. I shrugged my shoulders and she said I would not be allowed to slouch around all week.
I have a suggestion she said, Why not do what I suggested a while back. You can work with me, and we can work undercover. You can be my daughter at a pageant. It would be so nice cracking this story with you!
Mom said no. I am not a girl; people will laugh at me if they thought I was a sissy
The right term is transgender, she corrected me, and you would not be a sissy. You would be undercover. You could be helping so many girls that have to go through this for years. You can help expose the pageant world as something evil and think of how many girls will think you are a hero
Then everyone will know I was a girl and I would be teased non-stop
No one will know its you. You will be a hero yes, but no one will know who the girl in the pageants was. When I do the story, it will not say you were a boy that was undercover. Everyone will think that you were a girl. We will not show your face as your mom would be mad at both of us
I dont know. I am only 9. Too young to be under the cover or whatever you said.
This means a lot to me. I know you are only 9 and this means you need someone to help you decide. I think you should help and as a payment, I will buy you that bike you have been begging for
I nodded my head thinking as long as no one knew it was me, it would be ok.
Aunty took off my pjs and put me in panties and a nightdress. I needed to practice being a girl. So while I was at her house, I would be a girl. This was going to be punishment, but at least it meant a brand new bike.
The next day, we went to a hair salon. I was to get extensions in my hair so I would have long hair. This took ages and it was boring. The hairdresser and aunty kept on saying how pretty I will be and all I kept thinking about was the toyshop on the other side. I would not be so lucky. I had to sit there while she tugged and put the long hair on me. I knew that this undercover work would be punishment and torture, and it was, and the pageant did not even start yet. When they were done, I looked in the mirror. I had hair that was very long. The hairdressers were saying it could be put in ponytails, pigtails or just hang. I let out a distress moan.
My aunt took me to the jewellery shop and before I knew it, I had two small earrings. I protested and asked what mom would say. This worried aunty and after thinking a few minutes said I could say other boys had them and I asked for them. I nodded but inside my head, I was screaming thinking no one at school had them.
We spent a lot of time in shops deciding what outfits I should wear. I never saw so many girlish clothes before that were frilly and were so cute. I was dreading that it would be me that would have to wear the clothes. The one fun thing is that my aunt said these pageants are so expensive. She used more money that she would earn in a month.
By the time the pageant came, I was getting used to the hair and being a girl. I did not think of it a lot and was even starting to like playing with dolls and all the pink around me. Aunty said I was born to do this, and in many ways I made a better girl than a boy.
The day of the pageant came. My aunt and I went to some hotel. I was wearing panties and jeans and a pink cardigan. My hair was in a ponytail. I was quiet and was beside my aunts side all the time. A mom told her that she must have problems with me because I was so shy. I was wondering what she was talking about. I looked around and seen moms fussing over their daughters. One daughter said she would do her best, but this was not good enough for her mom that gave her a speech that no one remembered who came in second. I thought her mom was mean. I looked around and thought that some of the girls did not want to be there as they were crying.
It was finally time for me to walk on stage. I was dressed in a long white princess dress with a huge red ribbon around the waist. There was a huge ribbon in the back and I was wearing white tights. My new long hair was put in a ponytail. I bet I looked like a right **** going on stage. As I stood up there, I felt like everyone was admiring me. I was not a boy to them. I looked like a princess. When I got off stage, my aunt was waiting for me to tell her what a bad experience it was that by being exhibited like I was, as if I was being sold. I told her it was so fun standing up there and everyone thinking how pretty I was. Even the judges were smiling. Aunty tried to smile, thinking it was not the reaction she hoped for.
The next outfit was not so fun. It was a bikini where I had to put my little boys part between my legs, so there would be no tent. This was held in place by tape and to be honest, it was very uncomfortable. Then she took this can and sprayed tan all over me. I begged her to stop but she said it was part of being in the pageant. The worse thing that happened was she said my smile was not good enough. She was told that Vaseline helps and coated my teeth with this vile stuff. I felt like I would either choke or vomit. She started brushing my hair and then pulling it in all directions, as if the wind messed it up. Then she put on a green bikini that was a bit frilly on the bottom. I was pushed out on stage and noticed everyone was looking at me again. I quickly forgot about the Vaseline, pulled hair and tan. I forgot I was actually a boy. I done a quick dance and pretended like I was enjoying a day at the beach. When I came back, she was surprised I was smiling and saying it was fun.
While we were having a break, a judge came up and gave me a hug. The hug was very close. It gave me goosebumps and I wanted to cry. It was so pervy. It didnt help he said I could come to his hotel bedroom for a talk about how well I would do in the competition. I ran over to aunty that was disgusted at the judge.
Surprisingly, I came in second in the pageant. I was over the moon. People thought I was a beautiful girl and I was surprised I was so happy at the pageant. Of course, aunty was not happy. She didnt get the story she wanted. It was more balanced on how far moms would make their children go to be popular. She wrote about the Vaseline and tan and the girls crying. She even wrote about the judge trying to get me in his bedroom. Aunty also wrote that some girls think its fun and it helps their self-esteem. She did not mention me or show any pictures, so I was happy. It seems like many people liked her article, and some were even shocked. She was invited on many talk shows.
Holidays were over and I was sent back to live with my mom. The extensions were cut and I was once again a boy. Mom was upset I got earrings, but besides that life was back to normal. I was a boy at home and going to a boys private school. The problem was I felt so depressed. It was like there was a hole in my heart. It was like I was only a half person. I didnt know what it was. I just knew I was not happy.
I found my old teddy bears and put them in my room. One day I even found myself making a dollhouse from old shoe boxes. It was only when mom told me I needed a haircut and I had such a tantrum about it that I knew what the problem was. I missed being pretty. I missed someone putting pigtails or a ponytail in my hair. I missed the panties, tights and dresses. The truth was that I was a sissy, I never felt as happy when I was a girl.
I was meant to be a girl, but was born a boy.
Things went bad at school. I didnt get my hair cut and it was now very long and by summer, it would most likely be down to my shoulders. Mom even accepted that saying it must be peer pressure from the school that I wanted it so long. This was far from the truth. I was being teased constantly because of my hair and the earrings at school. They were all saying I was looking more and more like a girl. Deep down I loved when they said this, but I knew it was also an insult. The teachers were constantly on my back and the headmaster even warned me to be more a man.
The worse was when my best friend stared at me and said I had very long eyelashes. He never spoke with me again.
I was so alone and sad by the time summer came. To make it worse, I was going to my aunts, which would have made things worse as the memories of good times were there.
Aunty was shocked to see me. She said she thought I was a girl with my hair that now went to my shoulders. I smiled but as soon as she shown me the princess bedroom, I burst into tears. She told me it was about time to talk. I told her everything and it was the full truth. I begged her not to tell mom. We ended by giving each other a hug
I fell asleep crying holding a Barbie doll.
The next day, aunty came in to wake me up. She said it was time to get dressed. She put this light purple summer dress on me. I was in shock. She said that she was no expert, but she thought I was suffering from a gender identity disorder. She explained I could be transgender and this meant a little girl was hiding in me. She told me that I could live as a girl when I visited her and she knew a pageant was in town. I could enter that. I jumped up and gave her a hug.
There was one difference in this pageant. I would not be tortured. No tan or Vaseline in my mouth. It was time for the swimming part and the only thing we done was to push my privates between my legs. I was once again on the stage. I noticed that the local news was there and this made me quite shy. At least mom was out of town. However I stopped and stood in the middle of the stage. I saw my headmaster. He called out my name and asked if it was me, the sissy boy from his school? Everyone stood still and stared at me. To make it worse, my privates were now making a tent in the bikini bottoms, showing everyone I was a boy. Aunty came to me and hurried me off the stage.
We said nothing when I was at my aunts house that night. We turned off the TV as I was all over the news, the sissy boy that was in a pageant. Aunty told me its not the end of the world. People would forget the next day.
Mom rushed to aunties house. She was not happy. She asked aunty what happened and was told everything. Mom was very mad and told me to get my suitcase, we were going home. She looked at my aunts and asked her what has she done?
It didnt go away. The next day, the headmaster rang and told mom I was not to come back to the school after summer. They did not want a transgender as it was against their school code and morality.
Mom was mad at me and gave me a speech that God wanted me to be a boy. I should accept this and go back to my old ways. She said I was too young to know if I was transgender or not. She took away all my teddy bears and destroyed my shoe box house. She told me I would be getting my hair cut short and if I did not wake up and go back to my old ways, I would be starting at a military school.
The media were using me as a sensation. The film of me standing with a very visible tent was shown on TV and newspapers again and again. They were saying I was transgender and made a mockery out of things when I tried being a girl. They also said that my aunt corrupted me and we were both corrupting the world. Even when I turned on the radio, they were asking was it ok or not that a boy pretended to be a girl at a pageant.
I tried my best to be a boy. I was so sad. I just wanted to die at times.
Aunty tried to make peace with mom, but noticed how sad I was. She got mad at mom saying I was only 9 years old, and I did not want to live. She knew it was wrong that she had me as a girl undercover in a pageant. At the same time it woke something that was hidden in me. I was not bad or perverse... I simply have a girls spirit in me. I was transgendered and this should be respected. She walked out the house asking my mom did she not want to see me happy or sad.
Mom came up to my room and asked me what I was doing. I said the mailman came with a huge bag of letters to me and I was just reading some of them. Mom picked one up and read it. She threw it down and read another one. She done this again and again until she was crying. She said they were from boys and girls saying they know they are transgendered, but never was brave enough to tell others. Some were boys or girls that told their parents they were transgendered, but were being punished because it was against human nature. They wrote I was their hero.
Mom gave me a hug and said she was sorry. She told me she lost a son, but gained a princess as a daughter. She said we will figure a school that accepts me and will visit professional doctors that could help.
Right now she said that she owed me a doll house, because she destroyed my old one. She knew a good toy shop.
