Alternative Reality 1 Written by Dauphin http://dauphinsworld.activeboard.com/
I tried to open my eyes, but had to close them again. Everything was black. I tried to open my eyes. They were so heavy. I did my best to keep them open, but the light hurt them. Everything looked so white. I could see this woman looking down at me saying to wake up. She was calling me Ashley! My name was Ash! I closed my eyes again. I could not keep them open.
I closed my eyes again, and I could hear my mom and dad fighting in the car. I knew they were talking about me. Mom was saying that the school nurse rang and wanted to meet them the next day. She was talking about child services and dad was getting mad. He was looking at mom, trying to calm her down by telling her that they were good parents. Then I saw metal and glass fly all over the place as dad drove into a huge oak tree. I remember screaming and the pain as it felt like I was being torn apart and there was so much pain and noise of twisted metal, broken glass and screaming.
I opened my eyes and remembered I have been in a car accident with my parents. I was not in pain, but my body felt so heavy and stiff. Everything was white around me and I slowly realized that I was in a hospital. I could see a nurse and then a doctor around me. I also saw this old fashioned woman looking at me, telling everyone that Ashley was awake. Why did she keep calling me that? I started to ask where my mom and dad were. No one would answer. Then I started getting hysteric telling them I wanted my parents. The doctor said I was not ready yet and he gave me a shot where everything went black again.
My eyes opened again and I looked around. I was quiet this time as I did not want to be put to sleep again. My grandmother was saying that she did not know how much I could understand. I think I was a bit drugged, as she kept on calling me a girl. I was a boy. I just looked around and waited and waited for the drugs to wear off.
The woman told me she was my grandmother and I would be living with her from now on. I looked at her confused and told her that I wanted my mother and father. She took my hand and told me my family was in a car accident and I was the only survivor. I was in shock and in grief as I realized that this meant that my mom and dad were now dead. I was an orphan. My grandmother told me she was there, and it was good to cry. I just looked up at the ceiling and as tears were running down my cheeks, I was remembering my parents, and how they were fighting before they died. I cried thinking they were the best parents a boy could ever want. The rest of the day was quiet in the hospital, despite my grandmother telling me that she would take care of me. I closed my eyes as I had no tears left. What would life be like with no parents? What was my grandmother like? When would the grief I felt in my heart not hurt so much?
The next few days, I just was in bed recovering. Hospital food was not that bad and I had my own room. My grandmother was there all the time. She fussed around a lot, making sure everything was tidy and making sure I got my medicine on time. She was a strict woman. I wonder why I never met her before. Did she not like my parents?
I asked grandma if I could wear a pyjamas, and not this gown. She told me I was wearing a nightdress. I nearly vomited when she said that, and told her I was no sissy. She looked at me in a stern way and told me we would talk about it later. I gave her my worse look. I must have blushed so much every time a doctor or nurse came into the room. I hid under the covers and did not want them to see me in a girls night dress.
The next day, this woman came in and sat down on a chair next to me. She was a psychiatrist at the hospital. I sighed as I thought she would be talking about my dear parents. However, she looked at my file and whispered to herself where should she start? She asked me if I was 8 years old, and I nodded. Then she said I have a lot to deal with. I already knew that my parents were in heaven and I now had to live with my grandmother. I nodded again.
I do not know how to say this, she continued, in all my years; I have never seen a case like this. You were a son for your parents, and they treated you in every way like a son. I know they loved you and took great care of you. However, you were not born a son. You were born as their daughter.
I started to explain I didnt want this night dress on, and that I was a boy. The shrink explained that for some reason, my parents were raising me as a boy. This was despite the fact that I had a girls body. She then showed me a picture of a naked boy and a naked girl. I was in shock. I once seen Billys boys thing and asked mom why I didnt have one, Mom said it will grow when I was ready. I believed her! Now I was being told I had a girls body!
Granny told the woman that dad could not deal with girls, as he simply did not know how to take care of them. They treated me like a tom boy and in time, they considered me as a boy and I was basically raised as a boy. I felt so stupid that I never questioned my body before. My head felt very light as the fact that I was a girl was bouncing around in it. It was suddenly hard to breathe and my whole body was in turmoil. The shrink said I was having an anxiety attack. I wanted to cry and I wanted to scream, but I couldnt even breathe. I was given a tablet to relax like I was on a fluffy cloud.
When I was myself again, and after crying for a long time, Granny told me we were going home the next day. I looked at her and told her that I could have the body of a girl, but I only ever lived as a boy. My mind was that of a boy. This made granny mad. She said the good Lord created me as a girl, and I will always be a girl. She held my hand very tight and warned me I should now consider myself a girl, if I was to be happy living with her. I was afraid of the woman and shut my mouth.
The next day, grandma started putting clothes on me. They were panties, tights, a small skirt and a tube top. She told me I would not be getting a haircut for a long time. I looked in the mirror. I looked like a sissy. Everyone could see my belly and the skirt was so small. I tried to pull it down but it I had to conclude that it was short. Granny had a smile on her face and said that I looked so pretty. It was time to go. As we went out of the hospital and in public, everyone was saying how pretty I was. I started to suck my thumb, so no one would see me cry.
Granny lived in an old house that also smelled old. She showed me my bedroom which nearly blinded me. It was so pink and white. The bed was an old fashioned canopy bed with purple curtains. The floor was a thick pink carpet. The walls were white with posters of puppies, kittens and Disney princesses. The roof was sparkling stars. The room was cute. It was too cute. It was a girls bedroom. Granny told me she hoped I liked it. She called me Ashley again. She told me none of my old things were here, and she even bought me new clothes. I opened the dressers and wardrobe. Dresses, skirts, tops, and every sort of girl shoe you can buy. There were no boy clothes. I could feel my anxiety again and I kicked a dollhouse and screamed my name was Ash and I did not want to be a girl!
Aunty got very mad at me, and told me I was a girl and I had to accept it. God made me a girl. My parents fooled around with creation. She stormed out of my new bedroom and warned me to think about what I will do, or life would be very sad from now on. I could hear her mumbling that how could anyone treat a girl like a boy?
I looked around and ripped off my girl clothes and just sat there naked. I wanted to scream and cry, but I had no tears left. I started to think of what I wanted. This was easy. I wanted my mom and dad back. I wanted my old clothes and toys. I wanted my old name. All this was not possible, and when I looked down at my body, it confirmed that I was born as a girl. This confused me, as I had a girls body, but I felt like a boy. I looked in the mirror and felt so empty inside when I saw a girls slit on my body. Should I fight God and the way he created me? I had to accept that I was a girl. Otherwise my life would be hell.
The next day, I found a Sundays dress put out for me. It was a yellow dress that was very puffy and had a green ribbon belt. The dress also had a lace collar. There were also ankle socks and sandals. I looked in the mirror and went down and presented myself to my granny. She smiled and told me it was good that I accepted who I was. I put on a weak polite smile. I hoped this made her happy. She looked up and down and then said I needed one more change. She cut the fringe of my hair and put a flower in my hair. It was long for a boy. But now the fringe was straight down, making me look more like a girl. Granny told me that would have to do, but I could use hair extensions until my hair grew plus earrings.
On the way to church, she told me she was happy that I saw the light. After all I was only 8 years old, so I was not old enough or mature enough to see reality. She told me I was lucky I was going to live in a new town, as no one would know I was treated like a boy before. She smiled and said everyone would see the true me. She was speaking all the way to church, saying we should give thanks to God that my identity was saved.
I didnt listen too much of what the priest said. I was thinking of living in a new place. I missed my old friends! Besides that it was hard remembering how a girl should act. I found out when I was sitting on a bench outside that it was important to keep my legs together. This old creepy man was staring up my dress at my panties. I felt so embarrassed that he was doing that. Granny seen it and told me to close my legs. She said it like it was my own fault!
When we got home, I was going to hide in my bedroom and remember the old days. I didnt get permission to do this, as granny gave me a duster and told me I could help with housework. Walking around the house and dusting the old furniture was fun. Its like I was wiping 100 years of dust from the things. I tried to be funny and dust granny. After all she was just as old as the furniture. The woman did not have humour. She just told me to continue doing my duty and do not get my dress dirty.
That night, she was reading me a story about a princess and a fairy. I tried to pay attention, but the story was just too cute. I close my eyes and imagined spider man. Then I started to feel anxiety and opened them again remembering I promised to myself to adapt to the new changes. She finally finished the story but then said that I would be starting ballet next day.
What has my life become?
Ballet was a nightmare. I went after school and was in a changing room with other girls. They were friendly with me, especially when I said I never tried before. I put the leotard and tights and slippers on and it felt like it was glued to my skin. I tried not to hate it, but I did. When I went to the dancing room, I felt so naked. Then we all had to stand by a bar and then do what the lady told us. I couldnt see that we were dancing so much, it was just lifting legs a folding them and stretching. I know the class was for 45 mins, and wondered how slow 45 minutes could go. It was like the time was broken.
When ballet was over I was so happy. However I would have to go through it all in again in a weeks time. I asked granny do u have to do ballet and she said yes!
As every day went by I was becoming more and more depressed about my body and the fact that granny wanted me as some princess. I did honestly try and accept it, but how could I just forget what my life was until now? My mind would simply not accept that I was a girl. I was in a conflict. A girls body and a granny that wanted me to be a girl this was easier said than done. I am a boy... a boy with the wrong body! I was not going to tell granny as she would just get mad and I was afraid every time she got mad.
So the next time I had ballet, I told granny that I would go after school and then I would cycle home. She was smiling saying that it great that I was so excited about going to ballet. I was excited, but it was for a different reason.
After school I went on my bike and cycled towards ballet. However I cycled by it. I peddled so fast that and my and heart was beating so fast with excitement. I had jeans on and a white t-shirt. They were girl clothes, but they could also be worn by boys. I cycled and cycled thinking that I was free. It was to another part of town. I was never here before, but I found some boys playing basketball in an old parking lot. I got off my bike and walked towards them. I had a smile on my face and I felt like myself again.
There were 7 boys, so I asked them if I could play. One of the boys looked at me and said he did not want a sissy to play. Another boy said I was not a sissy, I was a girl. They considered my clothes to be girlish. I went up to them and took the ball and dribbled the ball telling them to come and take it from me if they wanted to. They could not take it away from me. For the next 45 minutes, we played. It was the first time that I had so much fun in weeks! Before I went, I told them that my name was ash, and I was nearly 9 years old. They told me I was great for only being 8 years old. They invited me back!
So the next few weeks, I did my best to be a good well behaved girl at home. This was despite I had to wear the girlish clothes and live as someone who liked everything to be pretty and cute. I had to survive pretending to be someone I was not. I had to be overjoyed that my hair was getting longer and longer. It no longer was a boys hairstyle. This being said, the happiest time of the week was when I was Ash playing basketball. They considered me a sissy, but at least a sissy is a boy! This escape once a week was when I smiled the most.
This was until one day we were playing basketball. It was a very hot day, so we all had our t-shirts off. It was not like that I had any boobs. It was a 16 days until I was 9 years old, I was as flat as could be. The simple act of taking off a t-shirt was total freedom. I was Ash, not Ashley!
That was until I heard a loud voice calling Ashleys name!
It was granny. She must have followed me. She told me to come to her. I walked slowly with my head low. She told my friends that they should be ashamed, as they were comfortable being with a girl without a t-shirt. I never felt so humiliated in my life as I heard the boys whisper and ask themselves was I really a girl?
On our way home, she stopped at one of her friends. Granny said nothing at all until now. She told me her friend was retired but promised to do this. I wondered what she would do, but was only told to sit down. Before I knew it, my ears were pierced and I had two earrings in them. Granny told me that they will always remind me who I was and I would not deceive myself or others anymore. She told me I would be starting at an all-girl boarding school that was strict and would teach me how to be a lady! I cried and cried, and begged grandmother not to send me there. I would promise to forget everything about being a boy.
She did not believe me, and when I was in bed that night, I did not believe myself either. I tried being a girl. I did not feel like one. Now my granny was going to send me to a boarding school where I would learn how to be a princess and if I refused, I who knows what would happen.
Did granny love me? Would she only love me if I was a girl? Would she not love me when I knew I was a boy? One thing was certain for me. My life was going to be full of tears, unhappiness and torment.
Late at night, I didnt take any clothes with me. I sneaked out of the house and snuck out of the house.
The next day, granny would find out that I ran away.
I am sure that granny would not miss me. She just wanted to dress me like a doll and be a maid. I knew I had a girls body, but I also knew that I thought and acted like a boy.
I went to moms and dads grave and laid on top of it. In a way, I wanted the earth to swallow me, so I could be with them. I whispered down to them, Why did you raise me like a boy when I should have been a girl. When people see my body, they will know I am a girl. The problem mom and dad is that I was raised as a boy. I am a boy! What am I to do when people will always consider me a girl? Should I just change the way I am? Dont worry, I forgive you!
I cried, knowing my tears would go down to my parents. I missed them so much! I was happy when I lived with them. I know they were fighting about me when the car crashed. I guessed they were talking about me being a boy when I should be a girl. I was only 8, but now I had to take care of myself.
It was getting late, and I was getting cold. I walked around the park and tried to see if people left some food in trash cans. I found a half sandwich and slowly ate it when I was sitting on a bench. I decided the bench would also be good as a bed. So I found some newspapers and used them as a blanket. Despite that I was so tired, it was hard to sleep. There were so many sounds that I did not know. It was also so cold. Maybe I should go back to granny and live as a girl No, I tried that and it did not work. It was not me.
I may only be 8 years old, but I knew who I was!
I was shaking, it was so cold. Then something touched me. It was an older boy. He told me it was too dangerous being alone. I got up with him and we went to some abandoned warehouse. There was a fire lit that warmed it up. It was also quite smokey. I could see there were 6 boys. That included Colin that took me here. They were all shocked to see how young I was and wanted to know why I was not at home. I was very shy, so I did not tell them anything.
One by one, they told me their life story. I felt so sad and ashamed as they experienced far worse things than I did. Some were beaten up by their parents, some were hardly fed and some were sexually abused. I sat there in shock after one person told his story, and then another person did. I wanted to give them all hugs. The boy that brought me here was Colin. He was 14 years old and his dad was always drunk and beat him with a stick.
Colin said he can guess my story. He guessed my parents treated me like a sissy. I suddenly couldnt breathe and started shaking. How did he know? Did he know I was more than a sissy? He gave me this brown bag and told sniff from it. I sniffed it and found out it was glue. It worked, it was like angels were caressing me and I was no longer thinking. This meant that I had no anxiety or no worries. I simply did not think. I smiled as Colin told me to keep the bag, as sniffing glue was the only friend they had on the streets. I asked Colin how he knew I was treated like a sissy. He smiled and pointed at my earrings and the stitched flowers on my jeans. He told me do not worry, as I was one of the lost boys now.
During the daytime, we hung around the mall and park during the day. We picked the pockets and handbags of people. We had to run a lot when we were caught, but we managed to escape and get enough money to get some food and glue. After a few days, I needed the glue more and more. I think it helped me forget the death of my parents, my granny and the fact that now that I was a street thief. Despite all this, and the cold and at times hunger, I was happy being a lost boy. Colin was like a big brother to me. He even stole jeans from the shop and they had no flower on them. Now I felt like a boy again. The only time they teased me was when I went to the cubicle to pee at the park toilets. They also called me short. Colin told me to use the urinals like any other boy. I refused for obvious reasons.
We were at the mall one day, and not doing much. This old lady came up to Colin and me when we were sitting on a bench sniffing glue. We had to hear about the youth of today and how she disliked Street kids.
I know what you are doing, she shouted, You are the common scum off the streets that steal from us decent people. You are nothing but drug addicts
Colin and I did not have time to listen to the old hag, we ran as fast as we could back to our deserted building. We were smiling and laughing, telling the boys about the old woman and how we escaped her. Then the oldest boy told us to sit down.
Tell us your name once again, He said to me
Ash
Tell the truth!
Ash!!!
No. Not at all. You see Ben here has found a newspaper a few days old. It has a nice picture of you on it! The police are looking for you. It seems like you ran away from home!
We all have I whispered
That is right, but you see we are boys. You, on the other hand, deceived us!
Colin got mad at told them that I was honest. I told them that I was forced to be a sissy. Colin was given the newspaper and I could see his face become confused as the newspaper said I was a girl. Colin looked at me and said that this could not be true. I collapsed to the floor and started crying.
Then the boys said they did not want any girl here. It didnt take them long to find decide. One boy picked up a stone and threw it at me. He was a bad shot. They were now shouting at me to disappear and to get out. I looked at Colin that was looking down and I ran as fast as I could.
I found myself on the same bench that I was at when I first came to the park. It was once again dark, so I found some newspapers to use as a blanket. I closed my eyes thinking how I was once again alone. The boys were supposed to be friends, they accepted me when they thought I was a boy but kicked me out when they found out I was a girl. Once again I sniffed the glue. Maybe I was a glue addict by now, but it helped me forget my problems
I fell asleep.
When I woke up I was confused. I slept well considering it was cold. However, there was a blanket over me and next to me a bag of fruit. Where did they come from? I ate the fruit thinking I had a guardian angel.
I decided to go to Church to thank God for the blanket and food. There was a mass being said, so I just sat at the end. I knew I smelled and I didnt want anyone to be disgusted with me or judge me. I was tired of being judged!
I snuck out and sat in the Church garden. I was admiring the flowers and sniffed the glue. Once again I was smiling and my mind was calm and I didnt care about anything. I suppose the easiest way to say it was that I was high. The priest sat down next to me and said the glue could kill me. I didnt care. Then he asked if I needed any help. I looked at him and said no one can help me. He looked at me, somewhat worried and before he said anything, I got up and ran. This was quite hard as I kept stumbling and it was like I had two left feet.
I spent all day walking around. I liked looking into peoples houses and wondering if they were happy or not.
When I came back to my bench at the park, I found another bag. It was a half a chicken! There was also some glue. I sat on the bench confused. It was the best chicken I ever tasted in my life. After I ate and left nothing but bones, I sniffed some glue and fell asleep with my blanket.
I was woken up by two policemen shortly after I fell asleep. It was still dark, so I was a bit high. One policewoman told me that she was taking me to a foster home for the night until they found out who I was. The foster mom was a nice lady who was a bit older than my mom was. She told me I was lucky they did not take me to some child's home. They were no substitute for a foster home that was similar to a family. I smiled as I thought I may be happy here, that is if my granny did not find me.
She told me before I went to bed; I should take a bath as it looked like I did not have one for weeks. I started to get an anxiety attack but it was short as she said she will find some pyjamas. I stripped and jumped in the water that was full of suds. The woman said that she knew she had iron man pyjamas somewhere. I didnt mind, as I was soaking in the water. I didnt know how much I would have missed a bath. The foster mom came in just as I was getting out. She said she found the Ironman pyjamas and looked at me. She was shocked when she saw I had a girls body. She saw I was born a girl. She could not find words at the start but ended up apologising saying she thought I was a boy. She should have known better when she saw my earrings. She went and got me a nightdress.
I was once again a girl.
Later that night she came to me and said they now knew who I was. My granny would come and get me the next day. There was thunder when this said. She gave me a kiss on the forehead and went. Before she closed the door, she said that my granny missed her granddaughter. I put the pillow over my head and cried. She missed her granddaughter. She did not miss me! I could go back to grannies, but I tried that. I tried being a girl and became miserable. I tried the dresses and ballet, but it was not who I was.
I knew what I had to do!
When it was dark, I searched the clothes in the dresser. I found some denim shorts and a Britney Spears t-shirt. I put them on. I looked like a sissy boy but beggars cannot be choosers. I found my blanket and I silently went down the stair and sneaked out of the house. It was raining hard. I ran as fast as I could.
I found the park, but I would not be as stupid to sleep on the same bench. I went over to some bushes and lay in the middle under them. I put some newspapers down on the ground and that was my bed. When I was lying down, I figured life could get no worse. I was wet and cold. I was shaking. This was the sacrifice I made as people would not decide who I should be. It took me some time to sleep, but at last, I fell asleep.
The next day I didnt get up as I was sick. I was coughing and felt like I had a fever. I bet the rain and the cold made me get a cold. I wrapped the blanket around me and sniffed some glue. I was weak and cold, so I tried to sleep. I hated being sick. I started crying when I remembered my mom and how she used to take care of me. She would lie down beside me and sing or tell stories. Where was she now? Could dead mothers give their sons a hug and put a cold cloth on their forehead.
I must have slept all day because the next day I woke up and there was a bag of fruit again and some more glue. There was a teddy bear. I ate what I could, but I felt so bad. I was sweating and shaking, and I felt so cold. I could hardly move because I was so weak. I knew I was dying and to be honest I was ready. Since my parents died, life was not fun. I told myself if I closed my eyes that would be the last time. So I held my teddy bear close to me and fought to keep my eyes open.
Slowly and slowly, they closed.
. Until everything went black.
I woke up. I was very weak, but no longer shaking and cold. I was on a bed and the priest I met days before was sitting on the edge of it wiping my head with a cold cloth.
Where am I? I asked
The Churches home for children. The priest said in a calm voice, We found you three weeks ago.
That long, how?
Someone told me where to find you, he said
I have a guardian angel
Indeed you do! You very sick. Sleeping in the rain is not good for your health. We brought you here and a doctor has seen you every day
I asked when my granny would come to get me. The priest told me not to worry. He knows my story and Granny agreed I could live here. He explained that he knew I felt like a boy but had a girls body. He told me it was hard for Granny to accept and she was worried she treated me too harshly. When I ran away, she was worried and felt guilty she was too hard on me. She agreed that I would stay at the child's home
I felt a tear going down my face knowing my Granny didnt want me.
You must understand, The priest said, Your grandmother made a great sacrifice, she knew if you stayed with her, she would consider you a girl and you would not be happy. She still wants to visit you as much as she can, if you agree.
I smiled and went back to sleep.
When I woke up, it was time to go to my bedroom. I no longer needed to be in the guest room. When I saw the room, there was 2 beds and it was a boys room!
Should I not be in a girls room? I asked
The priest smiled, We will respect you for who you are and we will respect your identity. Do you want this room or a girls room?
I told him that I was happy to stay in the boy's room.
Then I got a shock, as Colin came in. At first, I thought he would get mad at me or hit me. The priest told me that he shared the room with me. In fact, he is the one that brought me the blanket and food. When I got sick, Colin came and got the priest to help me. I was amazed. Colin was my guardian angel!
I am sorry you were kicked out from the lost boys, he said, We were all in shock. I should have stood up for you. I knew you as for you, nothing else. Thats why I tried to help you as much as I can. I hope we can be roommates.
I gave Colin a hug and then told the priest there was one last thing I needed to do. I gave the priest my sniffing bag and glue and said I no longer needed it!
