I wanted to hit him, but he was too strong. It was a common day occurrence that John would tease me whenever he had a chance. He was not as smart as me and not as cute. The only thing that he had going for him was his strength and his ability to make others afraid of him. It seemed like that bullying me was his main hobby. He would call me a cherub or a geek. He thought I looked like an angel that was painted in our local church. I do admit that there is a strong resemblance but there is also one big difference. The angel in the church is a girl and she is a bit older than a toddler.
I was definitely not a girl and I was 12 years old! I admit my hair was wavy and blonde, and I had huge blue eyes and everyone was jealous of my rosy cheeks and long eye brows. I was also very small for my age. I had a twin sister, and many thought I was her little brother. Some idiots even said I looked like her little sister. Mom and Dad thought I was cute, as every old woman that seen me and pinked my cheek.
This was an excuse for John to bully me every day. I was not as strong, stupid or ugly as he was. Today was no exception. When I went out to the playground, I tried to hide over by the sandbox. He must have some in built radar, because he found me. I tried walking away but he pushed me on the ground and this caused me to cry as I scratched my knee. This was another weird thing about me. I cried very easily. But lets face it. When you scratch your knee, it hurts. Then came the verbal bullying, that the cherub was a cry-baby and would go home crying to his mother. I stood up and looked defiant. Deep down I was very afraid, but I tried not to let this show. I told him it was enough and it was wrong that he bullied people better than him. This made him mad, and he raised his fists ready to strike me. However the bell rang and I was saved by the bell.
School was finally over. I ran home and locked our door. I went up to my room and sat on the bed in just stared at the walls. Tears were running down my cheeks. I was tired of John and being his punching bag every day. What could I do? I could not tell my parents, as I would be known as a little baby that cries to his mom. I could not fight him, as it would mean that I would need a bus to hit him. It would take me years to train and be strong enough to lift a bus. Moving to another school would be an option, but I bet there was a John in every school. It seemed like there was no hope!
My twin sister came in to me and asked why I was crying. I threw a pillow at her and told her I wanted to be alone. However she really wanted to help me and gave me that speech that she is my twin sister, and we have a stronger connection than other people have. This means she was genuinely concerned in seeing her brother crying on the bed. I yelled and called her names and told her to get out and leave me alone. I could see her eyes become teary and she was mumbling that she only asked because she cared. I told her to get her ugly face out. I didnt think she was ugly. I knew she used a lot of time in front of the mirror because she had low self-esteem and thought she was ugly. I didnt mean to call her ugly, but I knew it would get her of my room, even if it meant she would cry.
Mom came in the room and was mad at me. She started by asking why my sister was crying. She got no answer. She then told me not to give my sister a bad time and definitely no to make her cry. I shrugged my shoulders and did not know what to say. Mom gave me a speech for a long time and then finished up by saying that in a few days, my room would be painted. I started complaining but that did not help. Mom said if I liked the colour, I would be happier and my room would look so pretty.
Pretty???
Before she went out, she said that she had to figure out what to do with my wavy hair that was getting too long.
The next day was no better at school. John bullied me once again. He pushed me against the wall and asked why I not fought him. I wanted to tell him I valued my life, but I just begged to let me go. He called me a mommas boy, and asked if I wanted my twin sister or my mom to come and fight for me. I tried one last time begging John to let me go in peace. He just laughed and hit me in the stomach. I fell to the ground as everyone started laughing, I pretended to be hurt more than I was, and this worked as he did not hit me again. I looked around to see where a teacher was. There was none, so I had to wait and be teased until the bell rang.
Once again, I came home. My mom was getting all her paint things ready and my dad was reading the newspaper. Mom asked was I bullied again. This made Dad sigh. I told them I did not want to talk about it. My dad said I should stand up for myself and not be such a wimp. Bullies need to feel pain to stop what they were doing. My mom got mad at him and said we did not live in the Wild West. She said she had arranged a time for me to speak with a shrink.
I ran into my bedroom and closed the door. My dad wanted me suddenly to be a boxer that would only end up in pain for myself, while my mom wanted me to see a shrink. She thought I was crazy. Why could the world not just let me in peace? Why did I need muscles and the ability to punch stupid bullies? I was not even a teenager yet. I was still a child and I just wanted to be happy and safe.
My twin sister came in. I figured everyone else had a go at me so why should she not? She told me that she will leave me alone, but had a present for me. She said she found it on the net. It was a spell that would stop bullies. All I had to do was look at him and read the spell. I looked at the spell and smiled. I asked would it work. My sister nodded and said even if it was uncertain, it would be best to try it. I nodded my head and my let me sister sit down where we chatted about everything. She ended up by chatting about boys. I did not want to say about them, as she was telling me who she thought was cute or not. It was when she asked me who I thought was cute, that I told her I wanted to be alone.
Lunch came the next day and I was standing brave and did not even hide. John came up to me and asked me if I was ready to fight? I started reading the spell that my sister gave me.
Beware thee bully of people and thee shouldst he'd t the next timeth thee teaseth the next timeth thee useth violence the next timeth thee subdue valorous people thund'r shall roar people shall nay longeth'r seeth thee as a sir those gents shall seeth thee as a female a wench a princess nay longeth'r beest afraid of thee and may this teachest thee respect and compassion
John looked at me, and he was silent for some time and started laughing calling me an oddball. He hit me in the stomach and said this was not a poetry class and poetry was for geeks. I fell to the ground once again, thinking where the thunder that would put a spell on him was? The only thunder that came was a second fist hitting me. I was in tears not only from the pain, but also from the fact that I really hoped this so called spell would work. Now look at me, I was on the ground once again, in the mercy of someone that had a brain the size as a pea. Maybe dad was right. Only the strong survive. Intelligent people get treated like dirt and under the control of the bullies.
I was mad when I came home. My twin sister was already there talking to my mom and dad. I rushed into the sitting room and started yelling that she tricked me. The spell did not work and everyone just laughed at me. My sister tried consoling me saying that at least I tried. I pushed her on the floor which made mom start to panic. I called her every name in the book while I picked up a teddy bear that was there and tore its head off.
Then I jumped as I heard a huge thunder noise. Suddenly there was stormy weather outside and I never seen so much lightening and heard so much thunder. My sister crawled into moms lap and cuddled for some protection while I found myself in my dads lap, burying my face in his lap every time thunder came. I asked my sister to forgive me. She said it was ok.
It thundered again and I remembered the spell.
I went to bed and hoped my sister forgiven me.There was no excuse for me to take out all my frustrations on her and be the bully I so much hated. The storm lasted for a long time, so I could hardly sleep, and when I did I must have twisted and turned in the bed, as when I woke up, the sheets were everywhere. I hated the storm but the sun was shining today and it was great spring weather. I smiled as I walked to school, looking at the flowers springing up and noticed how busy the birds were. God done such a good job when he created the world. The only bad thing he done was to allow bullies. Despite this, I was in a good mood
It was time for my daily punishment, but on the way out to the playground, the school counsellor asked me to come to his office. I went in and sat down on this comfortable chair. He asked me if I had anything to say. I said no. Then he told me that anything that was said in here would stay in his office. I still had nothing to say. This made him sigh as he explained that he knew the other children bullied me and treated me bad. I wanted to open up to him about his but knew it would not help. The counsellor just said that some people get teased because they are different. He knew I was different I was not like other boys. I still said nothing. In a way I would rather be outside getting punched by John than listening to this. He told me that some children hide a big secret and they are afraid to tell others because they think they are weird. They should tell an adult so the adult can help. He looked at me and asked did I want to tell him anything. I said no and this frustrated him. He said that if I felt like I should have been born as a girl, I should tell him. It was about now that my body will be entering puberty and if I felt like a girl, I would need some help with my body. This was now too weird and I closed my ears to whatever he had to say.
I didnt get bullied that day.
When I came home, my bedroom door was locked. I was told I would be sleeping with my twin. My room was being painted. This was ok. I really needed to speak with someone about what the counsellor said. I told her everything as we sat on the floor playing with her dolls. She did not have much to say except it could be the spell. This made me shake in fear. I bullied my sister and now the counsellor thinks I want to be a girl! I would have to march into his office the next day and say I was a boy and only a boy. I quickly forgot about the counsellor and the spell as I got involved with playing with the dolls. I even told my sister we should redo her dollhouse, and move the furniture around so it looked prettier.
Before I knew it, it was time to go to bed. It was only when I was trying to sleep that I realized that I was playing dolls with my sister and I loved it. Was this bad?
I woke up and was in a good mood. It was like being on a sleepover when I was in my sisters room. I know I played with her dolls, but I just thought I done that to be nice to her. It was now a new day and it looked like it would be great weather today.
Mom looked like she was worried. At last she said she had a story that we would not believe. When she was painting my room, the bucket of paint fell on my dresser, so when she was cleaning up and opened all the drawers, she could see that all my clothes were destroyed. My first reaction was that I did not believe it. My second reaction was to cry and my final reaction was to think at least I get new clothes. My mom put some clothes on the bed. It was football shorts and a t-shirt. I didnt mind this despite the legs of football shorts were so baggy. Mom looked at me and said that she was sorry, but the only briefs she had was my sisters old panties. I held them up in shock and asked am I expected to wear them as they were pink with white lace around the edges. Mum said that no one would see them. That may well be the case, but I would know I had them on.
At breakfast, I was in no mood to talk as I felt like a freak with panties on. To make things worse, mom said she does not think I needed a haircut. She was thinking out loud while she said my hair would look great in pigtails. I could feel my heart beating hard as I was wondering if the spell was now affecting her. Did she ruin my clothes because she wanted all my boy things gone?
Things did not go better at school. I was sitting at my desk and trying to concentrate on the class when a girl dropped a pen. I did not even notice her dropping it or going under the desks to look for it. When she found it and sat on her chair again, she was staring at me. Then she sent a note to her friend and the note went to everyone in class, until the teacher got it. The teacher picked it up and read it silently. I was worried to what was on it, especially when the teacher asked me if it was true. How was I to know? I was the only one not to read it. I stayed silent and the teacher told me I could go to the counsellor and explain to him why I was wearing pink panties. I wanted the earth to swallow me. My legs were spread and the girl seen up my shorts when she picked up her pen.
The counsellor asked me if I wanted to speak today. I tried explaining the truth that my mom destroyed all my clothes. He sighed and said that he found it very hard to believe. Then he gave a speech about it being easier if I admitted how I felt. When I admitted it, I could be helped. I sat and thought. If he didnt believe my mom destroyed my clothes, he would never have believed I was under a spell. a spell I put on myself. I looked at him in the eyes and told him I did think the panties were pretty and they felt better than briefs. They were snuggly and were so soft. I admitted this and could see a smile come on his face. Then I told him I was a boy, I was not a girl and did not want to be a girl. He sighed and told me I knew where he was if I needed him.
On my way out from school, everyone was staring at me and giggling. Some were whispering I was the one with the pink panties. Others were brave enough to come up to me and ask me if I was a girl. I wished the school hallways were not so long and there were so many children in them. I didnt answer any of them. I just marched towards the front door. I wanted to get out and go home and hide myself.
The strange thing is that John stood there behind others. He had his hands in his pocket and leaned against the wall and just stared. He did not say a word. That was a relief.
When I came home, my mom looked like a pink monster, with all the paint on her. She wanted me to see my newly painted room. I looked at the pink on her and my heart started to beat fast. She did not paint my room pink? Surely she must also have painted my sisters room? I got my answer when she opened my door. My room was now pink with posters of puppies and rabbits and butterflies and Disney princesses. There were teddy bears on my bed and there was my sisters doll house. My mom was excited and asked what I thought. I thought this spell was working too fast and the only word I said was pink.
She told me it was light lilac, and not pink. My sister gave me the dollhouse because I played with it. I only played with it once. I wanted to destroy my room but I knew that mom worked so hard to do it. She did not know about the spell, so it was not her fault. When the spell wore down, she would probably redo it. I gave her a hug and not knowing what to do, I sat down and played with the dolls.
My mom said I should sleep early, as I had to see the psychologist the next day. At least I didnt have to go to school.
I wore my sisters denim overall to the shrinks and sandals. It was not that sissy like, despite it had a cute bear on the front of it. The sandals were light blue with small hearts. I looked like a momma's boy that found his sisters clothes. The shrink was a nice old woman and told me to sit at a table when she talked with my mom. There were Legos and some dolls. I hate Legos and picked up a doll and started fixing its clothes. I bet a 5 year old tried to dress it. I finished by brushing the dolls house.
The shrink sent mom out and I sat on a chair. She said I looked very pretty. I tried explaining they were my sisters clothes as my mom destroyed my clothes. She told me I was very brave as most boys would demand new clothes straight away and refuse to be seen with girl clothes. She quickly changed the subject and said she noticed I played with the dolls and my mom said I had a dolls house. I sighed and told her I am not a girl in a boys body. I explained I tried putting a spell on a bully that would make him a sissy and things backfired when I bullied my sister, now everyone thinks I am a girl. I asked her how to stop it. She wrote some notes down on her pad and told me the spell could be wishful thinking, and an excuse for me to show how I really feel. I didnt say anything more. She didnt believe me.
When we came home, my mom was putting all my sister's old clothes in my dresser and wardrobe. She said if I ever wanted boy clothes, they would have to save up. She added that I had to be sure I wanted boys clothes. My dad came in and looked like he did not want to look at me and my new sissy bedroom. Mom spoke in very adult words that the shrink said I had gender identity problems. Mom said it was very important that I be helped in my transitioning or I could become very unhappy or even suicidal. My heart was once again beating hard and I wanted to yell at them that it is a spell, but I knew they would not believe it.
I looked on the internet for the spell, but could not find the spell. I hoped there would be information how to reverse the spell. I could not even find it.
The next day, I wore some cotton legging shorts and a t-shirt with and cute kitten on it. My hair was long and wavy, and looked more girlish the more that I brushed it. I had the sandals on and ankle socks. Mom told me I had a good fashion taste and I looked pretty. She put my hair in a ponytail saying it looks better that way. Dad didnt say anything, he was reading a brochure called blocker shots, stopping puberty. I saw two others on the table. One was called hormones for transgender boys and the last one, Help, my son is a girl. I knew what he was trying to find out. I did not protest, as I was hoping the spell would wear out.
It did not. It was just as bad at school. People did not whisper or point at me that day and that was strange. I was expecting people to point and laugh and giggle. No one done that. I was afraid and it meant something unknown would happen. I doubt very much that they would just forget about the pink panties and more important they would notice the clothes I was wearing. No one teased. In fact I could have been invisible. I was afraid of lunch break.
I hid in a corner during lunch break, but John found me. This meant he would beat me up and things would get back to normal. Maybe the spell would break.
He sat down to me and spoke in a soft tone. He said he was sorry he always bullied me. He told me that he now respected me because I was not afraid to show that I had a boys body but girls mind. This takes a whole lot of courage. It took more courage than letting him hit me. I told him it was a spell that made others believe I was a girl and the spell should have been for him. I told him everything that happened until now. He actually believed me. However he added that I did not fight the spell, I did not protest. In fact I accepted it and didnt mind.
He was right
He continued to tell me he could always see a girl hidden in me, and that is why he beat me up. Now he could see how brave I was. This impressed him. In fact he would find it hard not to fancy me if I wore a dress. He hoped I would be brave enough to ask me out. John went. I knew now that people now considered me a girl.
I went home and sat down holding a teddy bear. I was so confused. Why did I just accept the spell and not fight it? Why did I not fight it? What did I think that I was being treated more and more like a girl? Then I thought of John, would he be fun going on a date with John.
My twin sister came in and sat down. We were quiet for some time until she started brushing my hair. I loved when my hair was brushed. My twin said in a soft voice, I am not stupid. You thought that you put a spell on yourself when you were mean to me. I do not think that is enough for how much you accepted wearing my clothes, and your bedroom and dolls. You could have said no. You accepted when people said you were a girl. However, you slowly accepted it. You even picked your clothes today. You did not argue over a girls room. You did not argue when mom put your hair in a ponytail
I started crying
My sister continued, The spell was not real. I made it up. The spell gave you an excuse to let others see you as a girl, and treat you like a girl. I think you slowly are starting to think and act like a girl. The spell did nothing. Its empty words. However it opened your mind and heart. I do not know what you want, but I am your sister. You always have my support
I was left alone. I looked around my room. The words of my sister were in my head as well as the counsellors, shrinks and Johns. I was playing with the dollhouse and the words were still going in my head
Before bed, I prayed to God to be at my side
The next day, I woke up. It took me a long time to pick the clothes I needed that day.
I looked in a mirror. I had a purple dress on with a glitter heart and white tights and Mary Janes. I would ask my mom to put me in pigtails. I was smiling and I felt great
I wanted to look good for when I visited the counsellor.
